Author: LiveforJacob

November 11, 2016

I had just picked you up from Aurora Hospital. You were there a little over 3 and a half weeks. You were in good spirits and I remember thinking as I drove there, maybe this is the last time, maybe they finally got his medication right. Little did I know, you’d be back a week later. 

When you jumped in the car the first thing you did was what you always did when you got in the car, you grabbed the auxiliary cord and plugged in your phone. It never mattered whose car you were in, you always controlled the music. 

I remember the conversation like it was yesterday….

Mom I have to play you this new song one of the nurses showed me. It’s such a good song mom, you’re going to love it. I think it just came out because I’ve never heard it. 

I started singing the song when it came on and your face turned to me and your eyes were so wide! 

        Zombie, zombie zomb e e e e eee! 

(Yes, Zombie by the Cranberries)

Mom!! How do you know this song???

Jacob that song came out before you were born! 

(He was always doing that with music and me though. I thought his eyes were going to pop out of his head gene he heard me playing Bodies) 

He was so impressed. I think he played it well over 5 times as we drove to go get lunch. 

I took you to Peter Piper Pizza, you were my kid who shared my love for that place. For the pizza, not the games. When we sat down you grabbed a slice, and you said, oh don’t let me forget to text Jack Happy Veterans Day. 

Who does that at 16? You! You did that because you were such a loving and caring kid. You thought about others and you loved to make them happy. 

I remember that night Jack saying, did you tell Jacob to text me today? 

No I did not, that was all him. He actually reminded me it was Veterans Day!! 

We miss you so much Jacob! 

One week after Jacob was placed at Aurora we had our family meeting. By this time I was familiar with these meetings and what would happen.

They would sit us all in a big room with a table.

It’s Jacob, his family, and his care providers. Usually his nurse, his doctor and a social worker.

These people will proceed to tell me that they changed all of my son’s meds, once again, and that he is fine and ready to go home. I was ready, I was so ready for that fight. But I didn’t need to fight this time. This time the Drs told me that Jacob needed inpatient treatment at a residential treatment center and would need to stay there for a month. Maybe longer to get the help that he needed. Finally! Finally they were listening and not just changing his meds and sending him home to “figure it out”. Finally my son was going to get the help he needed. Finally I could breathe….Or so I thought.

I was told that they needed to let insurance know the plan and that they needed to get the approval. The Social worker didn’t think this would be a problem because this was Jacob’s now third visit to a behavioral facility for self harm. She also stated that because of the incident with the bridge getting admitted to an RTC shouldn’t be an issue.

We visited with Jacob for a little while and asked him how he was feeling. We told him we loved him and that we just wanted him to be ok. I hated seeing him like that. He was so mellow, almost not there. His eyes were glassy, he kind of looked through you, he wasn’t my son. I gave him a hug and we went home. I cried the whole ride in the car.

A couple of days later I received a phone call from the hospital. The social worker was calling to let me know my insurance had denied the stay in the RTC stating “It wasn’t medically necessary”. She let me know that I needed to appeal the decision but that there was nothing they could do on their end.

I cried. I felt helpless. I felt defeated.

I called the insurance company And was transferred to the appeal person. I was told that after reviewing the information and going through Jacobs records the decision was that he didn’t need this treatment. I’m not going to lie, I started screaming at the guy. I yelled, I pleaded and I cried….” Don’t you people know my son jumped off a bridge? This is now his 4th attempt!!!” “He needs this treatment!!” The man told me I needed to fill out appeal papers and I could try again but that he doesn’t think it will be approved. It wasn’t medically necessary.

Jacob sat in that inpatient hospital for a month waiting for insurance to approve the treatment at the RTC.

It was denied again a month later and I was told I needed to pick him up because insurance wouldn’t pay for his stay anymore. My Insurance company had decided that he was fine.

To be continued….

Part 5-1

Halloween 2017, it started off just like any other day.

For the past two months I had spent most of my time with Arabella in the NICU. The kids understood why but I knew I couldn’t miss Halloween with them. I had taken all of them to get costumes and made sure they had everything they needed; as I had in the past years. Riah was Barnacle Boy from Sponge Bob and her best friend was Mermaid Man. Dominic was Georgie and his best friend was that insanely scary clown, Pennywise from IT. Jacob and his girlfriend Mona both dressed as Aliens.

I had to get back to the hospital to give Arabella her cares, so the plan was for Jack to meet me there and we would do her evening cares together. After, we would head home to get the kids off to trick-or-treating with their friends while we stayed back and passed out candy. Mona was going to be dropped off at 6:00 pm to hang out with Jacob before the night’s festivities, so we planned on leaving the hospital at 5:30pm in order to meet them there.

At around 3:45 pm I received a text from Jacob saying, “Mom, Mona’s mom can only drop her off at 4:30 pm otherwise, she doesn’t have a ride. Can she please get dropped off here at 4:30 pm?” My response was, “Jacob, we won’t be home by then and I don’t want two teenagers alone in the house unsupervised.” He texted back, “Mom, we won’t do anything I promise.”

[ Now, remember in Part 4 how I mentioned that hind sight was 20/20?! Remember, I also mentioned how I had regretted that conversation with Jacob and I will forever regret not leaving that situation alone, right? Well, this night will be one I will forever regret. I so wish I would’ve handled it differently. ]

I texted him back, “Jacob, I swear if you guys do anything you shouldn’t be doing or even go upstairs, you will be grounded forever and I will find out if you do.” He said, “Mom, I know, I promise we won’t.”

Jack showed up to the hospital at about 4:45 pm. We did Arabella’s cares together as we had planned and then kissed her goodnight. This happened to be one of those rare nights I chose to sleep away from her at home. We were headed home and ended up getting stuck in traffic. Then, I did something I still wish I wouldn’t have.

[ You see, what I haven’t mentioned before is that we had motion cameras installed in the house that faced both the front and back doors because we were worried about the kids sneaking out or bringing kids back into the house while we were sleeping. ]

While we were stuck in traffic, I decided to log into the cameras to see what the kids were doing and to make sure Jacob and Mona were downstairs as promised and not doing anything they weren’t supposed to. When I look through the living room camera, well, let’s just say they were on the couch “making out”. Before I could say anything, someone must have spooked them, because they looked up towards the top of the stairs and then got up and moved to the kitchen. I then logged into that camera and what I saw next had me yelling into the microphone to yell at them. “Jacob! Mona! Knock that off!” It was obvious that scared them as they both jumped and started looking around.

I immediately called Jacob’s phone and screamed at him. “You promised you wouldn’t do anything you shouldn’t be doing in my house! Your sister and brother are downstairs and could have walked in on you two! Call her mom and have her come get her right now. She is never allowed in my house again. You’re grounded!”

[ I’ve mentioned before that Jacob went from zero to a hundred in seconds right?! ]

Jacob yelled back at me, “Mooooom! You can’t take her away from me! I love her!”

I may have said some things about her that I’m sure any mom in that very situation might have, but I do feel so bad about it now.

He hung up on me and ran out of the house.

When we got home, Mona was outside and told me Jacob told her goodbye and ran out of the house.

I called him and he didn’t answer. I called again, but there was still no answer.

I told Jack “I don’t have a good feeling about the way he ran out of the house.” I called him again and he finally answered.

“Where are you?” I asked.

“Goodbye mom” was all he said.

I was terrified.

I told Jack that we needed to go look for him so we jumped in the truck. Jack kept insisting that I needed to calm down because this was what Jacob did. He wasn’t wrong. Jacob would get upset when he got into trouble and then he would run out of the house. Jack thought, he was probably fine and would be back soon. I mean, he wasn’t wrong, necessarily.

But something in me knew this felt different.

I called the police and told the dispatcher that I thought my son was going to try and jump off a bridge. She asked me which one and I told her I thought maybe the one behind his high school so she told me to meet an officer there. When we got there Jacob was nowhere to be found. The officer pulled up about 5 minutes later and he asked me several questions about what had happened. As I was explaining the situation and everything that happened, he received a call on his radio. He looked at me and asked me and Jack to go back to my car. I was terrified. I knew it was bad. It was obvious he didn’t want me to hear what the other officer was saying.

I waited for him to come and let me know what was going on and while I waited there, I tried to call Jacob again. I was unsuccessful.

The officer came back to the truck after what seemed like forever, but was in reality only about 5 minutes. He said they found Jacob and he needed us to follow him. I asked him if Jacob was ok and he said, “I don’t know.” I didn’t know where or what the Officer was leading us to but we followed.

My heart was racing so fast and so hard, I thought it was going to come out of my chest. I was so terrified, had he actually jumped?! I had an aching pit in my stomach as if something was pulling on my insides. I felt like I couldn’t breathe, like I was frozen. I knew I was walking but everything seemed to stop and freeze all around me. I could only hear my heart beating as we got closer. We pulled up to another bridge near our house and had to park quite a ways away since the road was blocked. I didn’t know what I was walking up to. All I could see were police cars, fire trucks and an ambulance. I took a deep breath.

As we got closer, I could see Jacob sitting on the sidewalk. He was handcuffed and yelling at the cops but still, a big relief came over me. I started asking questions, why was he handcuffed? What was going on?

A senior officer pulled Jack and I aside and explained that they had found Jacob standing on the railing of the bridge, ready to jump. They surrounded him and tried talking him down but Jacob still jumped. My Jacob, my son, my firstborn child, my baby…had jumped off the bridge. I was at a loss for words. It was as if my heart was torn from my chest.

Thankfully, as he continued to explain, the officers were quick and were able to catch him. He was so angry they did and was screaming at the officers so they handcuffed him for his own protection. Here I was, relieved and so grateful at the fact that they saved my baby; but Jacob, he was so angry. Why?

He was refusing care and blood work and said he didn’t want to see me or Jack. The officer suggested we just follow the ambulance to the hospital. I told Jacob I loved him and he just ignored me. Jack and I walked back to the truck as I cried and thanked god that my son was alive and ok, for the most part.

We arrived at Mercy Gilbert and they immediately put us in a small room while we waited for the Dr. When she finally came in to talk to us, she said she was admitting him, which I already knew would happen, and would be sending him to an inpatient hospital for the treatment he needed. I explained that I wanted him to go to Aurora in Tempe since I had a preemie in the NICU at Banner Desert and needed to be close to both of my children. She said they would try and that it would be best for us to go home as Jacob was still refusing to see either of us.

At the time, I was hurt but I get it now. He was embarrassed and angry. He got caught lying and doing something I had told him not to do. He suffered from Bipolar Depression and because of that, he reacted the way that he did. He didn’t know how else to react.

Again, this is one of the days that I wish I could take back, one of the fights I regret to this very day. There are so many things I would have done differently with him if I had the chance, if I was given a do over.

To be continued….

My Birthday = A day that will never feel the same 

Today is October 9th. 

It’s my birthday. 

But it’s not just another birthday, it’s my 39th birthday. 

There it is again, that number. The 9th. 

I hate the number 9. 

What today really is, is the 6th month Jacob has been gone. 

I’ve chosen not to celebrate my birthday today because it feels so wrong. How do you celebrate on a day that only reminds me he is and has been gone for 6 months, half of a year? 

I know some people think I’m being silly, “You can’t change your birthday.” 

Yes I can and I will. 

The 9th just feels like Jacob’s day. 

Today I want to stay in bed and pull the covers over my head. All I want to do is drop to my knees, cry and scream! I want so badly to let all of this pain out; a pain that screams inside of me everyday. Normally, I love my birthday. I love the attention I get, the texts, the calls and the love I feel. 

But today, I don’t. Today they just annoy me. 

Every time my phone goes off, it’s “Happy birthday!” and I want to throw my phone across the room. I don’t know if I’m angry because of the text or angry because I know it’s not the one I’m wanting to get. Every year on my birthday Jacob would send me one of his long and heartfelt texts. He had such a way with words and every time I received one of those texts…I always ended up crying. It was never a sad cry, it was a happy one.

I know what you’re thinking, why would I want a text that makes me cry right? Because now I long for those texts, now I know I’ll never get another one from him. I’m so thankful I took a screenshot of every message he sent me that would make me cry, because at least I’m able to read them on days like today. 

Today isn’t my birthday, it’s Jacob’s 6 month anniversary. 

So today, I’m going to take him some flowers and clean his headstone. Today I’m going to spend my time with him. 

Today I just wanted to be left alone to mourn my son. 

Today isn’t my birthday and I don’t know that it ever will be again. 

The 9th is a bad day. I hate the number 9.

Christmas 2018

December 25th, 2018, exactly 260 days since you’ve been gone. 

Today, I should be waking up to watch you with your brother and sisters open your presents. 

Today, I should be happy as I sit and watch the smiles on all your faces as you open the presents that I bought you. 

Today shouldn’t be a sad day…..but it is. 

Today is our first Christmas without you.

We decided as a family to celebrate Christmas on January 5th this year since we sold our house. We are moving to the new one January 3rd and with still needing to pack, it just made sense right? Well to be honest, I think I just wanted everyone to believe that was the case. In reality, I just didn’t want to celebrate without Jacob. It destroyed me to think of waking up on Christmas morning and not being able to see his face. To see him sitting on the couch as he usually did, waiting to open his gifts. 

My heart breaks knowing that this is my new norm. I know in my head that this is something I need to get used to; a Christmas without Jacob, but my heart, my heart doesn’t understand. 

I’ve been so depressed lately.

I cry at home, I cry in my car on my way to work, I cry thinking about having to leave my house and moving to a new one. The truth is, I’ve actually always hated this house but I have so many memories here. It’s the house Jacob grew up in and knew for more than half his life. Since he passed, he has done so many things to let me know he’s still here with us and that he’s always with me. So it worries me that I may be leaving him behind. 

What if because he passed away here, he’s stuck in this house? What if he can’t follow us to the new one? Will he think I’m abandoning him? 

I know some may think I’m being silly and will likely say, “he’s always with you” and, “he’ll follow you wherever you are.” 

But will he? 

I don’t know the answer and there is no way to know which is what stresses me out and make me sad. I miss my son. My heart breaks everyday that I have had to live in this world without him. Today, Christmas, is no exception. But Today? Today is the worst. Jacob loved Christmas and knowing that he won’t be with us to celebrate makes me not want to celebrate at all. 

Last year on Christmas Jacob was in Aurora Behavioral Hospital due to an attempt he made at the beginning of  that December. Riah and I visited him that day and had dinner with him for family time. Thinking of that day saddens me but this small gesture the staff there did, warms my heart. They had given the kids some presents and you would never believe the smile on Jacob’s face! He pulls out these printed, fluffy socks he had received and was so happy with. Socks! He was excited because he had received socks for Christmas! Just thinking of his smile as he showed us makes me smile. 

A couple of days later, he was released. He was home against the doctors wishes since the insurance company refused to pay for him to go inpatient for a couple of months like the doctors suggested. What was I supposed to do?! I couldn’t afford to pay thousands of dollars out of pocket! 

But I was still so excited to have him home, finally, after a month in the hospital. 

I had saved all of his Christmas presents while he was away. I was so anxious to give him his gifts and see him open them. We shared a moment just him and I as I watched him open them. He smiled. I smiled because he was so excited that I remembered some of the things he had asked for. It’s a memory I’ll cherish forever. A memory of our Christmas, I didn’t know would be our last. 

Today, Christmas 2018, I didn’t get that.

Today, I didn’t get to see any of the kids smile as they opened presents.

Today, didn’t seem like Christmas. Today, seemed like any other day. 

We,  as a family packed up the house and then we ended the night eating chinese food on my bedroom floor watching Addams family. 

That was Christmas 2018. Our first Christmas without Jacob. Our new norm. 

It’s something I don’t think I’ll ever get used to. This constant, aching reminding me of my pain for the rest of my life.

Will I ever enjoy another holiday again?

Some of the things I constantly hear from people are: 

You are one of the strongest people I know. 

I don’t know how you get out of bed each day and are able to function. 

If I were in your shoes I think I’d be a mess and stay in bed all day. 

I don’t know how you do it. 

I’m going to let you in on a little secret…I’M NOT STRONG. 

I don’t choose to get out of bed everyday, I have to. I have reasons to get up everyday. Those reasons are simple, Ameriah, Dominic, and Arabella.

I honestly couldn’t tell you where I would be today, If I didn’t have these three. I don’t know that STRENGTH is what you would see, if they didn’t need me. I don’t know if I would be able to wake up and put on my mask everyday. Because that’s just it, I look strong because I have to. I have no choice. I have three other children relying on me to be their rock, to be their strength, to do my job and be their mom. To be the mom they need me to be for them. I put on my mask so that they don’t have to. 

On the outside I may look like I have it together. But I don’t. I may look like I’m strong and I’m able to go on with my life. But I’m not. I am the face and voice for the #LiveforJacob site and my goal is to raise suicide awareness in his name, so I have to LOOK like I have it all together. But on the inside, where no one else sees me, where it’s just ME. I’m a mess. 

So today I’m going to walk you through a typical day in my shoes, with this weight of my broken heart and soul. With this pain. Let’s see if you can still tell me those words:

You are one of the strongest people I know. 

I don’t know how you get out of bed each day and are able to function. 

If I were in your shoes I think I’d be a mess and stay in bed all day. 

I don’t know how you do it. 

7:00 a.m.

Jack’s alarm goes off. 

Arabella starts to stir in her bed. 

I look over to my nightstand and see Jacob’s shirt, still sitting there, folded. It’s the shirt he was wearing that day, his last day with me. From where I lay, I can still see the stains from him falling while skateboarding in the front yard that morning. Then, I remember that this nightmare wasn’t a dream but now my reality. 

I get up and walk to Jacob’s room to grab Arabella. As I walk in, the first thing I see is the mural he drew on the wall and as usual, my heart breaks just a little more. To be honest, I don’t even know how it can keep breaking after it was already shattered, but it does. 

I bring her back to my room and feed her a bottle. 

We say bye to daddy when he leaves for work and then Arabella and I have breakfast. 

10:00 a.m.

I lay Arabella down for a nap and again, I look at the mural on the wall. Most times tears well up in my eyes but I fight them back. I can’t fall apart again, not now.

I go down to do laundry or clean the house. I have to. I have to stay busy or my mind starts race, I start to feel the pain of missing Jacob and I begin to cry. Most of the time staying busy doesn’t even work and I end up in tears anyway. 

11:00 a.m.

Arabella wakes up and I feed her lunch. 

We play and get ready for our day and then play some more. 

4:00 p.m.

Another day gone.

I start to gather our things as we need to head out to daddy’s work now. We usually meet Jack on my way to work to drop off Arabella with him as he is getting off. 

I’m headed to his work and pass the cemetery on my way. I get anxiety every time I pass where Jacob is buried. My heart starts to race, my hands start to hurt from gripping the steering wheel so hard as I fight to keep the tears in. 

4:30 p.m.

I pull up to Jack’s work as I try and gather myself before I text him that I’m outside. 

I kiss him and Arabella and then make my way to work. My whole drive to work I cry. It’s not just a tear here and there but a full blown kid lost their favorite toy, hysterical cry. 

I pull up to the garage, park and compose myself. Everyone can probably tell I’ve been crying but I think by now they finally know not to ask.

I take my assignment, get report and go about my shift. I seclude myself and barely talk to anyone. 

6:00 a.m.

It’s the end of my shift and I head downstairs to give report to day shift, then I clock out and head home. 

The whole ride home I cry. I think of him and some of the memories we made. I think of the night he left, and I cry again. 

When I get home I grab Arabella, change her, feed her and play a little before Jack takes her to the babysitter. It’s time for me to go to bed.

When they leave I cry some more and then I finally fall asleep. 

All to wake up and go through it again. 

This is my new norm, my reality. 

How do I go on? How do I get up everyday and act so strong and brave?  I don’t. I’m not strong. When I hear those words people keep telling me, it makes me laugh a little to myself. I know what I go through everyday and how I feel so weak and helpless. 

I don’t feel strong at all. I mean do strong people cry everyday? Do they hide their tears? 

I can only describe how I continue as putting on a mask while getting ready.

 A mask that shows a smile, laughter and joy. 

A mask that hides my sadness and my pain. 

I’m thankful for my mask because it hides my face, the face I see everyday looking back at me in the mirror. I don’t recognize this face anymore. It looks 10 years older then it did 8 months ago. It has more wrinkles, and lots of grey hairs. It doesn’t look like me. I guess that’s something I’ll have to get used to, just like I’m getting used to putting on my mask everyday now.

Part 4 = You don’t know, what you don’t know 

Friday started off like any other day. The kids went to school, Jack went to work and I rested just as my Doctor ordered. Jack and I had been messaging throughout the day when he told me Jacob was going to be home late after school. He was going to meet with the counselor and build his resume since every job he’d been applying for required one. I was resting when Jack came home early and told me Jacob had just given him attitude and was snippy when he asked how the resume went. I got up and went to his room to see what was making him act like that and to ask how the resume went as well. He snapped at me and said he hadn’t gone. I asked him why and he said, “I just didn’t feel like it” to which I replied, “Jacob the counselor made an appointment with you, took time out of his day to try and help you and you just don’t show up?! Did you at least let him know?” He just shrugged his shoulders and replied, “No. I’m tired Mom leave me alone.”

They say hind sight is 20/20, that’s because it is. Looking back now I know that I should’ve probably left the situation alone. Just asked him if he was ok and talked to him if he wanted to, but I didn’t. I didn’t see beyond his anger and this starts one of the conversations that I regret most with him. 

“Seriously Jacob you can’t just treat people like they don’t matter. You can’t just make appointments and not show up without letting him know you aren’t coming. That’s rude and disrespectful.”

“Moooom! I don’t care! I’m having a bad day and I feel depressed and angry.”

“Angry about what?” I asked him. Not knowing what was going on with him, not having the answers and not getting anywhere with him except constant anger, left me frustrated. I didn’t understand how to help or respond or talk to him.

Because of that, I will regret this conversation.

“What is so bad about your life that you have to be depressed all of the time? I just don’t get it. Your sister has been through some horrible, traumatic stuff and she still gets up every day and tries to make the most of it. She doesn’t let it control her life.”

I know what you are thinking and no one will ever be more critical of me, than me.

Remember that hind sight being 20/20?

Looking back now, I know that this was wrong to say and it breaks my heart but at the time I didn’t fully understand what was going on.

I didn’t know that what was controlling Jacob’s behavior was in fact uncontrollable.

He wasn’t doing it on purpose.

You see, at times I thought it could be controlled and he just needed to stop acting like that. At the time, I thought nothing since nothing traumatic had ever happened to him, well then why was he acting like this?

I didn’t recognize the signs of depression.

I thought this was normal, teenage laziness.

It wasn’t.

I didn’t know enough to recognize the signs.

Jacob got upset and I could see in his face at that time that he was not my Jacob. He stood up on the bed and yelled,“Moooom, I said I don’t want to talk about it, get out!!”

He turned, punched a hole in his wall, jumped off the bed and ran out of the house. 

By this time Jack came running out of the room and asked me what happened. I told him Jacob and I were arguing and then he punched the wall and ran out. I tried calling him on his phone over and over but he didn’t answer. 

I could feel my heart racing so I sat down on the couch to cool off and try to calm down.

Dominic came walking through the door about 30 minutes later from school and said, “Oooh mom our neighbors are in trouble the cops are at their house.” Knowing that our neighbors were not trouble makers I said “I highly doubt it babe, they’re probably here for us.”

I went outside to see what was going on and met an Officer walking up our driveway.

“Hi Ma’am. Are you Angela?”

I took a deep breathe. “Yes I am”

He said, “I just need to know what happened. Jacob called and said you were being mean to him.”

I kinda laughed and said, “I’m a parent, he’s mad because I was parenting him.”

He asked what happened and I told him.

He said, “Well that’s destruction of property I can arrest him right now.”

I said, “No. I don’t want my son to have a record. That’s not necessary.”

He told me that Jacob said he wanted to go stay with his dad. “I said no he doesn’t, he wants to hurt me because he got mad at me and that’s his way of thinking he will get to do whatever he wants and get away with whatever he wants.”

The cop told me that by law he had to call the crisis team out to talk to Jacob. I was so irritated because we just dealt with these people 2 days prior.

We talked to the cop while we waited for the Crisis team to getto our house about an hour later. We talked with them and answered their questions and then they interviewed Jacob with and without us. They explained that they felt that Jacob was showing signs he may harm himself but that they didn’t feel it was an immediate danger because of the situation. They explained that he was just feeling that way but said they felt he wasn’t going to act on it. They did say maybe a break away from each other would be good so I called Jacob’s Grandma. We told him he could stay the weekend with her and we could all reset and talk in a couple of days once we settled down. 

Unfortunately, that didn’t happen because Sunday morning I woke up with a horrible pain in my stomach and ended up in emergency surgery. Jacob’s sister Arabella was born that day, 13 weeks earlier than expected. The doctors told us all it was a miracle that we both lived. Jacob came to see me once I was out of the ICU and we both told each other we loved one another and hugged and at that point, the argument was a thing of the past. I was going to be ok and he was thankful for that. He even talked to Jack about God and how my life was spared because HE was watching over me and his sister. If you knew Jacob, you knew he wasn’t big on religion or God, so for him to acknowledge that was huge. 

He went to the NICU with Jack and met his baby sister later that night and all was fine in our house. It was a hectic and busy time with Arabella remaining in the NICU but the kids were very understanding about why I spent a lot of time there. 

Then October happened.

Part 3 

As many of you know, Jacob was a beautiful soul with a huge heart. He was funny, brilliant, caring, sweet and a friend to so many. THIS was Jacob. THIS was what made him, HIM and what I loved so much about him. There were things he battled with during this sickness and some of those things at times almost diminished the person that we knew above. During these battles he wasn’t himself, he wasn’t so sweet, he wasn’t as caring, he didn’t like me as much and he wasn’t as easy to like himself. But I know that during those times, THAT wasn’t him. I know this battle was painful for him because of how far from himself he would be. It saddens me to put this part of his story out there, but in order for us to continue to spread awareness for him I have to tell the whole story; even the not so sweet and loving parts.

 The first week of September 2017, the actual date was Wednesday the 6th, Jacob was at his intensive outpatient group at Oasis (which he visited 4 times/week for 3 hours a day) when I found a bag hidden in his closet. This held vapes, vape juice containing nicotine, a pipe used for smoking weed, and containers of homemade vape juice along with several bottles of cinnamon. I was upset, I mean, he knew how I felt about this stuff. I had to wait until he got home to confront him.

 ( Ok on a side note, I seriously thought I was going crazy because I could never find my cinnamon in my spices! I kept buying cinnamon when I would go to the store and every time I’d go to use it, it would be gone. I couldn’t figure it out! )

 When he got home, I called him to my room and showed him the bag. “Jacob, what is this?!” I asked him. He tried telling me that the bag was old and he forgot about it, but that was a lie because I checked his room regularly. I didn’t want to but I told him he was grounded for a month from his PS4, his laptop and seeing his girlfriend. I let him keep his phone because with anxiety and depression, I knew he needed an outlet and that outlet was to be able to call and talk to his friends and even his girlfriend Mona.

 Once he heard he wasn’t allowed to see her, he flipped out. He didn’t care about the other things, all he cared about was being able to see her. The hard part for me with that relationship was it was toxic. It was draining for him. I hated seeing him that way but he loved her and she made him happy so I dealt with it. He tried pleading with me to take everything else away from him, anything but her.

 He told me I would regret punishing him. Then he went to his room and went to sleep. I knew exactly what that threat meant.

 I went to sleep that night knowing that I would get a call in the morning from the school nurse. I knew she would tell me that he was sick, or say that I needed to come get him and take him to the hospital because he told her he was suicidal.

 Never in a million years did I think he would do what he actually did. 

 At about 10:00 am I got a call from the school counselor saying that he needed to talk to me about an important matter. I said, “Ok. What did Jacob do?” He told me that Jacob came into his office and said he was suicidal and had a plan to carry out his intentions. Jacob told him that we had guns and he was going to use the 9mm to shoot himself.

 Even though I had an idea the night before of what was to come, hearing those words about your child, well it crushed my heart. I knew what Jacob was trying to do but it still shook me to my core.

 I cut the counselor off right then and there and told him that there was no way Jacob had access to any of our guns. We had a bolt lock on our bedroom door and the same lock on the closet door where the guns and medications in the house we all stored.

 You see, Jacob’s way of getting back at me for punishing him was to try and get ME in trouble. He was mad, angry even and this was the only way he knew to get back at me for taking his girlfriend away. 

 I told the counselor he could come to my house and see all of the precautions I’d already taken once I knew Jacob was depressed and having suicidal thoughts. He then told me that Jacob told him he was going to jump off of a bridge. It was the counselor’s responsibility to report it, so he called a crisis group out to the school and I had to come talk to them.

 I called Jacob’s stepdad, Jack, at work and told him what was going on. At this time, I was almost 7 months pregnant and high risk, so we decided it best that we go to the school together. I called Jacob’s private counselor, Maria, and told her what was going on. She decided she needed to be there as well. We all arrived at the school and met with the school counselor first. Jack and I explained everything that had happened the night before, everything that had happened the past couple of years and we explained Jacob’s other side. We finished speaking with the school counselor and then we all joined the 2 crisis counselors, along with Maria. We brought Jacob into the room as well.

 At first, he had the crisis counselors fooled. They believed we weren’t involved, that we didn’t care and that Jacob was serious. After an hour long meeting they explained to Jacob that they could see this all stemmed from him getting in trouble. They assured us that they could see he was in a loving home, caring hands, and we were completely competent parents who knew when he needed to go to the hospital.

They told us they felt comfortable sending Jacob home with us and that they knew we knew what to do if we felt he needed to go to the hospital. We made an appointment with Maria for the next day and I took Jacob home. Jack and I met for lunch to discuss what had happened and just debrief.

That night I ended up in the hospital with pains in my lower stomach. It really scared me and I thought it was due to the stress from the day. The doctors observed me for awhile and ran several tests. I was released home after a couple of hours and told to take it easy.

Then Friday happened…..

First day of school

I know that I should be posting part 3, but I can’t even think about finishing it right now. Today is a different kind of day, a painful day. Today is the first day back to school for my kids. Riah is now a sophomore and Dominic is in his final year of Junior High in this 2018-2019 school year.

Today would have been Jacobs junior year, 11th grade. One more year ‘til his graduation.

But instead of taking my annual back to school pics of all 3 kids, I could only take 2. Every year, since they have all been in school together, I have taken the same pictures. We have lived in this home for 10 years and in front of our home also lived this tree. Every year they all stood in front of this tree to smile for their “First Day of School Pics”. Today, those pictures in front of that tree just didn’t feel the same. 

Well, I set my alarm early because Riah has 0 hour this year. I woke up and took her picture, then dropped her off at school, alone.

Her big brother should have been getting out of the car too.

I should have been wishing BOTH of them a good first day.

I should have had to remind Jacob not to spend 10 dollars in one day on lunch.

I should have been telling BOTH of them that I loved them. 

Instead, I told my Riah, while shakily holding back tears, “Have a great first day babe, I love you.” and then I drove away and cried.

I sat in front of my house, gathered myself as best I could and then went back upstairs. I waited for Dominic to wake up, so I could do it all over again.

What makes today harder on my heart, is that I know I’m not the only one that feels this missing piece. This emptiness of starting back to school without Jacob. I know Riah misses him and will miss the times of bumping into him at school or him teasing her at lunch. I know that not just his closest friends but also all of those that knew him miss him so much. I know they feel the emptiness of him in class or at their lunch table.

It’s a sad day for me. One I’m sadly going to have to get used to, especially because I know next year will be worse.

Today I think I’ll go visit my baby and bring him some flowers and talk to him.

He wouldn’t want me sad, I know that. I just don’t know how not to be.

I’m trying to get used to my life without him.

I just don’t know if I ever will. 

#LiveforJacob

Jacobs final years : Part 2

December 2016

It was already the second week of December, so I decided it was finally time to put up the Christmas tree. Those that know me, know that I’ve never really been a fan of Christmas and I’ve always procrastinated putting up my decorations.I had asked Jack and Jacob to help me get the tree out and put it up. Jacob was helping me assemble it, while Jack was untangling the lights. Everything seemed fine when suddenly Jacob just looked off and went blank. I asked him what was wrong and he just shut down. I kept at it when he finally said he was scared. He was scared that he was going to hurt himself and that he felt he needed to go back to the hospital.

I called Oasis and they immediately set up an appointment for him the next morning. I asked Jacob if he was going to be okay overnight. He said, “No”. So off to the ER, where I work, we went. I watched again as they searched him, took everything away and reminded me I couldn’t have anything with me either. As I sat in the chair watching him sleep, I cried. I had so many emotions running through my head. I didn’t know if this was a teenage thing or if it truly was this disease, Bipolar disorder.

Depression and Bipolar disorder run in my family. It also runs in my kid’s father’s family, so I knew what Jacob was suffering from was depression but I didn’t understand it enough to understand what was causing it.

Jacob had been at Oasis for a week when we all attended a family meeting there. Jacob was telling me he was fine and the doctors and social workers had agreed. They said they had decided to put him on another regime of medication and it was already working. Again, I don’t know a lot about depression and medications, but I do know it takes at least two weeks, maybe longer for a medication like that to start working. Something gave me a bad feeling this time.I looked at Jacob, into his eyes and they looked so empty, emotionless. I told the social worker that I was not taking him home because I felt that he was lying. I had a feeling he was faking improvement and feeling better so he could come home. I was worried he wanted to come home to carry out his plan in taking his own life.

The counselors waited until after I left to let him know he would not be going home the next day. I later received a phone call from Oasis letting me know that he had acted out. They were able to see that he was in fact lying about being ok. The social worker told me that she truly thought he was fine. But like I said, I could tell something was off and I had a bad feeling. He ended up staying another week after that before he was able to come home.

After I picked him up, we went to Peter piper pizza with Dominic and Riah. I could tell he was reserved and trying really hard to be happy. We filled his new prescriptions and went over the rules again regarding how he would receive them from Jack or myself.

The next couple months were a roller coaster.

Jacob had his good days and his bad days and he struggled to keep up in school. Some of his teachers understood that he needed help because he had missed the majority of first semester being in and out of the hospital but unfortunately, others didn’t seem to care. Maybe that’s where we can start to help some of these kids. Training and understanding for kids suffering like this. Is it really necessary to be so hard on them when it comes to grades after something like this? 

We had our ups and downs when it came to Jacob following the rules. Jacob had his own mind and liked to do things his way and following the rules was never really his favorite thing to do. Him and Jack constantly butted heads because Jack held him accountable and he hated it. I won’t say that they constantly fought, because I truly believe Jacob loved Jack for stepping up and being the father figure he knew he needed along with his siblings. I know that they had a lot of talks about things, including music and he would even ask Jack for advice. Sadly, with the cards we have been dealt as a family, Jacob just always thought of himself as the man of the house being the oldest, so it was hard for him to accept letting that role go. Especially when it came to rules.

The biggest rule Jacob had a hard time with was vaping. I would find his vapes hidden in his room and then there he was, grounded again. I was feeling like he hated me more times than not at this point. He never understood why I wouldn’t let him vape. He said he did it to keep him from smoking weed. I never really understood how all these kids had access to that junk in high schools. How it was always so easy for him to get another one after I would break the ones I found. But I’ve come to understand that several kids sell them at school and that’s how it’s so easy to get them.

That really was the only things we battled through the rest of that year. Some ups and downs as can be expected, but for the most part everything seemed normal. Jack and I were even able to take a trip for a week without me stressing about leaving Jacob behind to be taken care of by my parents.

Then September 2017 happened…