10/09/2018 = A day that will never feel the same

My Birthday = A day that will never feel the same 

Today is October 9th. 

It’s my birthday. 

But it’s not just another birthday, it’s my 39th birthday. 

There it is again, that number. The 9th. 

I hate the number 9. 

What today really is, is the 6th month Jacob has been gone. 

I’ve chosen not to celebrate my birthday today because it feels so wrong. How do you celebrate on a day that only reminds me he is and has been gone for 6 months, half of a year? 

I know some people think I’m being silly, “You can’t change your birthday.” 

Yes I can and I will. 

The 9th just feels like Jacob’s day. 

Today I want to stay in bed and pull the covers over my head. All I want to do is drop to my knees, cry and scream! I want so badly to let all of this pain out; a pain that screams inside of me everyday. Normally, I love my birthday. I love the attention I get, the texts, the calls and the love I feel. 

But today, I don’t. Today they just annoy me. 

Every time my phone goes off, it’s “Happy birthday!” and I want to throw my phone across the room. I don’t know if I’m angry because of the text or angry because I know it’s not the one I’m wanting to get. Every year on my birthday Jacob would send me one of his long and heartfelt texts. He had such a way with words and every time I received one of those texts…I always ended up crying. It was never a sad cry, it was a happy one.

I know what you’re thinking, why would I want a text that makes me cry right? Because now I long for those texts, now I know I’ll never get another one from him. I’m so thankful I took a screenshot of every message he sent me that would make me cry, because at least I’m able to read them on days like today. 

Today isn’t my birthday, it’s Jacob’s 6 month anniversary. 

So today, I’m going to take him some flowers and clean his headstone. Today I’m going to spend my time with him. 

Today I just wanted to be left alone to mourn my son. 

Today isn’t my birthday and I don’t know that it ever will be again. 

The 9th is a bad day. I hate the number 9.

Unknown's avatar

Author: LiveforJacob

My name is Angela and I’m Jacob’s mom. My son Jacob took his own life after battling depression for 2 years on April 9th 2018. Jacob wanted people to know that teen depression is real and to get help if they were struggling. He wanted to raise awareness and help others. He wanted people to live....#LiveforJacob. My blog is to help parents and teens as best as I can by sharing my experiences, sharing my stories, and being here for anyone who needs to reach out to me with questions or if you just need to vent. Let’s all remember to live our lives to the fullest, accomplish our goals and as always LIVE.....LiveforJacob!!!!

One thought on “10/09/2018 = A day that will never feel the same”

  1. wow!! I can relate. Sarah’s dad passed away on 9/9/15, my Bday is 5/9/1973, it’s going to be a constant reminder, now I see why u hate the number 9. I’m sorry Angela for the hurt and pain ur going through. Your family and Jacob are always in our prayers. xoxo

    Like

    Reply

Leave a comment