Christmas 2018
December 25th, 2018, exactly 260 days since you’ve been gone.
Today, I should be waking up to watch you with your brother and sisters open your presents.
Today, I should be happy as I sit and watch the smiles on all your faces as you open the presents that I bought you.
Today shouldn’t be a sad day…..but it is.
Today is our first Christmas without you.
We decided as a family to celebrate Christmas on January 5th this year since we sold our house. We are moving to the new one January 3rd and with still needing to pack, it just made sense right? Well to be honest, I think I just wanted everyone to believe that was the case. In reality, I just didn’t want to celebrate without Jacob. It destroyed me to think of waking up on Christmas morning and not being able to see his face. To see him sitting on the couch as he usually did, waiting to open his gifts.
My heart breaks knowing that this is my new norm. I know in my head that this is something I need to get used to; a Christmas without Jacob, but my heart, my heart doesn’t understand.
I’ve been so depressed lately.
I cry at home, I cry in my car on my way to work, I cry thinking about having to leave my house and moving to a new one. The truth is, I’ve actually always hated this house but I have so many memories here. It’s the house Jacob grew up in and knew for more than half his life. Since he passed, he has done so many things to let me know he’s still here with us and that he’s always with me. So it worries me that I may be leaving him behind.
What if because he passed away here, he’s stuck in this house? What if he can’t follow us to the new one? Will he think I’m abandoning him?
I know some may think I’m being silly and will likely say, “he’s always with you” and, “he’ll follow you wherever you are.”
But will he?
I don’t know the answer and there is no way to know which is what stresses me out and make me sad. I miss my son. My heart breaks everyday that I have had to live in this world without him. Today, Christmas, is no exception. But Today? Today is the worst. Jacob loved Christmas and knowing that he won’t be with us to celebrate makes me not want to celebrate at all.
Last year on Christmas Jacob was in Aurora Behavioral Hospital due to an attempt he made at the beginning of that December. Riah and I visited him that day and had dinner with him for family time. Thinking of that day saddens me but this small gesture the staff there did, warms my heart. They had given the kids some presents and you would never believe the smile on Jacob’s face! He pulls out these printed, fluffy socks he had received and was so happy with. Socks! He was excited because he had received socks for Christmas! Just thinking of his smile as he showed us makes me smile.
A couple of days later, he was released. He was home against the doctors wishes since the insurance company refused to pay for him to go inpatient for a couple of months like the doctors suggested. What was I supposed to do?! I couldn’t afford to pay thousands of dollars out of pocket!
But I was still so excited to have him home, finally, after a month in the hospital.
I had saved all of his Christmas presents while he was away. I was so anxious to give him his gifts and see him open them. We shared a moment just him and I as I watched him open them. He smiled. I smiled because he was so excited that I remembered some of the things he had asked for. It’s a memory I’ll cherish forever. A memory of our Christmas, I didn’t know would be our last.
Today, Christmas 2018, I didn’t get that.
Today, I didn’t get to see any of the kids smile as they opened presents.
Today, didn’t seem like Christmas. Today, seemed like any other day.
We, as a family packed up the house and then we ended the night eating chinese food on my bedroom floor watching Addams family.
That was Christmas 2018. Our first Christmas without Jacob. Our new norm.
It’s something I don’t think I’ll ever get used to. This constant, aching reminding me of my pain for the rest of my life.
Will I ever enjoy another holiday again?
#LiveforJacob 