First day of school

First day of school

I know that I should be posting part 3, but I can’t even think about finishing it right now. Today is a different kind of day, a painful day. Today is the first day back to school for my kids. Riah is now a sophomore and Dominic is in his final year of Junior High in this 2018-2019 school year.

Today would have been Jacobs junior year, 11th grade. One more year ‘til his graduation.

But instead of taking my annual back to school pics of all 3 kids, I could only take 2. Every year, since they have all been in school together, I have taken the same pictures. We have lived in this home for 10 years and in front of our home also lived this tree. Every year they all stood in front of this tree to smile for their “First Day of School Pics”. Today, those pictures in front of that tree just didn’t feel the same. 

Well, I set my alarm early because Riah has 0 hour this year. I woke up and took her picture, then dropped her off at school, alone.

Her big brother should have been getting out of the car too.

I should have been wishing BOTH of them a good first day.

I should have had to remind Jacob not to spend 10 dollars in one day on lunch.

I should have been telling BOTH of them that I loved them. 

Instead, I told my Riah, while shakily holding back tears, “Have a great first day babe, I love you.” and then I drove away and cried.

I sat in front of my house, gathered myself as best I could and then went back upstairs. I waited for Dominic to wake up, so I could do it all over again.

What makes today harder on my heart, is that I know I’m not the only one that feels this missing piece. This emptiness of starting back to school without Jacob. I know Riah misses him and will miss the times of bumping into him at school or him teasing her at lunch. I know that not just his closest friends but also all of those that knew him miss him so much. I know they feel the emptiness of him in class or at their lunch table.

It’s a sad day for me. One I’m sadly going to have to get used to, especially because I know next year will be worse.

Today I think I’ll go visit my baby and bring him some flowers and talk to him.

He wouldn’t want me sad, I know that. I just don’t know how not to be.

I’m trying to get used to my life without him.

I just don’t know if I ever will. 

#LiveforJacob

Author: LiveforJacob

My name is Angela and I’m Jacob’s mom. My son Jacob took his own life after battling depression for 2 years on April 9th 2018. Jacob wanted people to know that teen depression is real and to get help if they were struggling. He wanted to raise awareness and help others. He wanted people to live....#LiveforJacob. My blog is to help parents and teens as best as I can by sharing my experiences, sharing my stories, and being here for anyone who needs to reach out to me with questions or if you just need to vent. Let’s all remember to live our lives to the fullest, accomplish our goals and as always LIVE.....LiveforJacob!!!! View all posts by LiveforJacob