Jacobs final years : Part 2
December 2016
It was already the second week of December, so I decided it was finally time to put up the Christmas tree. Those that know me, know that I’ve never really been a fan of Christmas and I’ve always procrastinated putting up my decorations.I had asked Jack and Jacob to help me get the tree out and put it up. Jacob was helping me assemble it, while Jack was untangling the lights. Everything seemed fine when suddenly Jacob just looked off and went blank. I asked him what was wrong and he just shut down. I kept at it when he finally said he was scared. He was scared that he was going to hurt himself and that he felt he needed to go back to the hospital.
I called Oasis and they immediately set up an appointment for him the next morning. I asked Jacob if he was going to be okay overnight. He said, “No”. So off to the ER, where I work, we went. I watched again as they searched him, took everything away and reminded me I couldn’t have anything with me either. As I sat in the chair watching him sleep, I cried. I had so many emotions running through my head. I didn’t know if this was a teenage thing or if it truly was this disease, Bipolar disorder.
Depression and Bipolar disorder run in my family. It also runs in my kid’s father’s family, so I knew what Jacob was suffering from was depression but I didn’t understand it enough to understand what was causing it.
Jacob had been at Oasis for a week when we all attended a family meeting there. Jacob was telling me he was fine and the doctors and social workers had agreed. They said they had decided to put him on another regime of medication and it was already working. Again, I don’t know a lot about depression and medications, but I do know it takes at least two weeks, maybe longer for a medication like that to start working. Something gave me a bad feeling this time.I looked at Jacob, into his eyes and they looked so empty, emotionless. I told the social worker that I was not taking him home because I felt that he was lying. I had a feeling he was faking improvement and feeling better so he could come home. I was worried he wanted to come home to carry out his plan in taking his own life.
The counselors waited until after I left to let him know he would not be going home the next day. I later received a phone call from Oasis letting me know that he had acted out. They were able to see that he was in fact lying about being ok. The social worker told me that she truly thought he was fine. But like I said, I could tell something was off and I had a bad feeling. He ended up staying another week after that before he was able to come home.
After I picked him up, we went to Peter piper pizza with Dominic and Riah. I could tell he was reserved and trying really hard to be happy. We filled his new prescriptions and went over the rules again regarding how he would receive them from Jack or myself.
The next couple months were a roller coaster.
Jacob had his good days and his bad days and he struggled to keep up in school. Some of his teachers understood that he needed help because he had missed the majority of first semester being in and out of the hospital but unfortunately, others didn’t seem to care. Maybe that’s where we can start to help some of these kids. Training and understanding for kids suffering like this. Is it really necessary to be so hard on them when it comes to grades after something like this?
We had our ups and downs when it came to Jacob following the rules. Jacob had his own mind and liked to do things his way and following the rules was never really his favorite thing to do. Him and Jack constantly butted heads because Jack held him accountable and he hated it. I won’t say that they constantly fought, because I truly believe Jacob loved Jack for stepping up and being the father figure he knew he needed along with his siblings. I know that they had a lot of talks about things, including music and he would even ask Jack for advice. Sadly, with the cards we have been dealt as a family, Jacob just always thought of himself as the man of the house being the oldest, so it was hard for him to accept letting that role go. Especially when it came to rules.
The biggest rule Jacob had a hard time with was vaping. I would find his vapes hidden in his room and then there he was, grounded again. I was feeling like he hated me more times than not at this point. He never understood why I wouldn’t let him vape. He said he did it to keep him from smoking weed. I never really understood how all these kids had access to that junk in high schools. How it was always so easy for him to get another one after I would break the ones I found. But I’ve come to understand that several kids sell them at school and that’s how it’s so easy to get them.
That really was the only things we battled through the rest of that year. Some ups and downs as can be expected, but for the most part everything seemed normal. Jack and I were even able to take a trip for a week without me stressing about leaving Jacob behind to be taken care of by my parents.
Then September 2017 happened…
#LiveforJacob 
Angela you know who I am and I have known you for years. Watched you go through so much in the many years we have known each other. Angela when you are at a point in your healing process please think of this one thing for me. Some Parents are completely at a loss with this disease. I want you to think of putting this Blog and all of your days with your precious Angel Jacob into a book. This could be a self help book for parents who have no other resources. You could publish your book and put all its proceeds to the Teen Suicide prevention programs. Angela reading your blog is something I do to help with the signs because bi-polar runs in my family as well. I am scared that I am going to have to go through similar situations as you have and reading yours and Jacob’s story is teaching me what to look for. I mean you even already have a title for the book. #LIVEFORJACOB. Its perfect. Oh one more thing. Love you my friend.
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