PTSD

I didn’t find Jacob that night, the police did. I’m thankful for that because I know that image would’ve been burned into my head forever, never going away. So if I didn’t find him and if I didn’t see the way he died, why do I lie awake at night with that image still stuck in my head? Why can I still picture it? Why is it burned into my head? Will it be there forever?

As I mentioned before, I know I have PTSD. I often lay awake at night staring at my bedroom door, remembering when the police opened it with guns and flashlights pointed at us. That was traumatic in itself, but then to be told 10 minutes later that my son was gone, was a horror I live with everyday.

Today I had a Dr.’s appointment to see if I’m ready to go back to work. I told her everything. I told her about lying in bed, staring at the door. I told her how I sit in Jacob’s room and cry and how I watch his memorial video every day. I even told her how I see him at least once a week, if not more and for a couple of hours I just cry and talk to him. I also told her something I haven’t told anyone, not even Jack.

I told her how even though I didn’t find Jacob, every night when I close my eyes, I picture him the way he died. I picture him looking at me with his big eyes and full of fear, as if saying, “help me mom”. So I ask you again, if I didn’t find him that night, how can that image be burned into my head? 

My Dr. says it’s also PTSD from the trauma endured that night, when everything happened. She said it’s normal. Everything I do and feel is normal. She said I have every right to be angry, sad, mad and depressed. She also wants me to go on medication for my anxiety and depression. I took the prescription, but will I take it? I don’t know. Right now blogging and talking about my feelings is helping. Venting in some way helps my anger and frustration and talking about him helps me keep his memory alive.

I told the Dr something else that has been bothering me as well. I told her that when I had Jacob, I was diagnosed with postpartum depression. I had to be on medication for a couple months and he’s the only child I had that with. I told her how I often worry, that because I suffered from PPD, could I have caused his depression? Could it be my fault? I can’t and won’t research it because I don’t want to know whether or not, what I fear could be true.

I always thought that PTSD was something someone suffered from if they were in the military, or if something traumatic happened to them that they have lived through. My Dr. reminded me that what I’ve been through with Jacob is just in fact that. Not to mention the countless other things that have happened to myself and my family the past 4 years.

On a brighter note, I also started going to the gym again. Sitting in the sauna is my favorite part of being at the gym because I feel at peace in there. I’m able to close my eyes and think about memories with Jacob and the plus side, I’m sweating so much nobody knows when I’m crying!

I can beat this. I have to for Jacob. He didn’t want me depressed. He wanted me to live, to #LiveforJACOB.

Author: LiveforJacob

My name is Angela and I’m Jacob’s mom. My son Jacob took his own life after battling depression for 2 years on April 9th 2018. Jacob wanted people to know that teen depression is real and to get help if they were struggling. He wanted to raise awareness and help others. He wanted people to live....#LiveforJacob. My blog is to help parents and teens as best as I can by sharing my experiences, sharing my stories, and being here for anyone who needs to reach out to me with questions or if you just need to vent. Let’s all remember to live our lives to the fullest, accomplish our goals and as always LIVE.....LiveforJacob!!!! View all posts by LiveforJacob