How long is long enough? Long enough to grieve, long enough to pick up and move forward, to go about life? When do we say, “Ok that’s it. This or that shouldn’t bother you anymore?” When is it ok to think, “Ok that person seems fine, they’ve had enough time to grieve.” When do we start thinking, “They’ve probably stopped crying everyday by now, right?”
Someone told me that people don’t know or understand how I’m feeling and in a way, I’m thankful that they don’t. They are blessed to not know this kind of pain. There is no way to really express how I feel, but I also feel like maybe they do need to at least understand.
So here it goes…..
I cry everyday. EVERY SINGLE DAY, I cry. Sometimes several times a day. Sometimes all day.
Once a day I go in Jacob’s room, I look at his things and I wonder what I could’ve done differently to help him and keep him here with me.
I get teary eyed every time I walk by his room and see it staged like a nursery for the home sale. I want more than anything to look in there and see him sitting on the bed listening to his music. I’d give anything to see his face looking back at me, confused as to why I’m looking in his room.
I get sad and angry with myself anytime I feel joy or happiness in life. I feel like this because he is gone. He is gone because he was in so much pain and I feel like I shouldn’t feel joy or happiness anymore.
I makes me sad when we do things as a family because our family is missing Jacob. It isn’t whole anymore, it’s like the circle has a break in it where he should be.
I feel like I’m just going through the motions of everyday life because I have to. I have no choice. I have 3 other kids and Jack who need me. They need me to be a mom and a wife, they need me to be Angela again. But will I ever?
I would like to stay in bed all day and just cry but I can’t because I have Arabella and she needs me to take care of her. Sometimes I feel like God gave me her because he knew he was going to take Jacob away. It’s like he had a plan. God had a plan to keep me from falling into the trap of depression and staying in my bed all day. I’ve heard from Jacobs friends that he was worried I would fall into that trap, he didn’t want me to be depressed. I’m trying, I really am. But often times I feel like I’m failing miserably.
Sometimes I have so many emotions they overwhelm me and all I want to do is curl up into a ball and cry. Most of the time, I can’t feel anything. I feel empty and emotionless, like I’m a robot, like I’m not in my head or body.
Everyday I wake up and I think, wow that was a horrible dream. Then I look at my nightstand and I see his shirt folded neatly there next to me and I remember all over again, it wasn’t a dream at all. This is my new reality, this is my horror come true. A life without Jacob.
I don’t know if any of this will ever get better. Honestly, I don’t know if I ever want it to. Isn’t that how it should be? Should you ever really be happy again without one of your children here with you? Should you ever feel joy in life after loss?
Unfortunately, I am not just missing one, but two of my babies. I have two angels up in heaven and I pray to God everyday that he take care of them for me until I’m with them again.
My heart is forever broken. My heart is forever missing two pieces. My heart hurts. I know I need to keep pushing through and spreading Jacob’s message and I’m really trying, but sometimes I just get so overwhelmed with my pain and grief that it’s too hard.
Today is one of those days. Today I just want to curl up into a ball and cry. Today I miss my son so very much. Today I can’t keep fighting. Today is another bad day.
#LiveforJacob 
Angela, I’m so sorry you are feeling this way and I can honestly say that you’re not alone. There is nothing I can say to make you feel better, but I can say that in my 2 years of being friends with Jacob one think I knew for certain was that he loved you so much. He would come into group and tell us all his frustrations, but always ended his thoughts with a testament of the love he had for you as his mom and he told us of the love he felt for his siblings. He also was a firm believer that Jack was a great man for you and your family.
You are always in my thoughts and prayers.
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Thank you Kiyomi, I needed to hear that. I’m thankful Jacob had you as a friend. I loved hearing stories about you. Thank you for giving him rides home too! I’ll keep you in my prayers as well!!!
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Angela…Cry. Scream. Punch a boxing bag. Hell, get a bat and beat the shit out of it. Keep blogging…do what you need to do so you can release of SOME of your agony, even for just a moment.
My heart aches for you. 💔
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