It’s an epidemic

It’s an epidemic

(All names were changed to protect identities)

Last week,  as I was writing “Angry” for my blog, a text appeared across my phone screen and immediately, my heart sank into my stomach.

“Hi Angela, I am on the way to the hospital, Sarah od’d she took about 90 Pills. Please pray for her.” 

My response was, “What hospital? I’m on my way.”

I was already showered, in my pajamas and laying in bed but instinct kicked in. I threw some clothes on, kissed Jack goodbye and ran out the door. The whole time I was driving to the hospital I had so many emotions and thoughts running through my head with the strongest being FEAR. Fear of the unknown, fear that they didn’t find her in time and fear that this poor mother might have to go through what I’m going through.

As I pulled up into the parking lot of the hospital, I felt this intense pit in my stomach. This was the last hospital Jacob was in when he had his last attempt. This was the place where I had to go and see his arm all cut up because he locked himself in the bathroom with scissors and was cutting. This was where he was before I had to send him to another treatment facility that eventually failed him. 

But I couldn’t think about that now. I HAD TO GET INSIDE. I had to find out if Sarah was ok.

As I walked into the ER, I texted Sarah’s mom. “I’m here in the waiting room. No need to come out. I just want you to know I’m here for you if you need anything.” 

As I sat in the chair waiting to hear something, anything, I began to pray. I know, that sounds funny because of my last blog “angry” but I didn’t know what else to do. I prayed to God. I prayed that he spared that poor girl. I also prayed to Jacob and asked him to watch over his friend. It was only about 5 minutes when I heard a nurse call for Sarah’s family and I saw her mom come from around the corner. She walked right past her family and fell into my arms crying. That pesky emotion, FEAR, came over me again. I looked her in the eyes and asked, “Is she ok? Did they get to her in time?” She said, “yes”. A different emotion swept over me, THANKFULNESS. I told her I would be there in the waiting room as long as she needed me. I wasn’t going anywhere and I was so glad she was ok.

I sat there with Sarah’s friend’s parents. Their daughter saw Sarah’s Snapchat and she told her parents. They went to her house and told Sarah’s mom, who was able to call the ambulance. I told those parents how thankful and proud I was of their daughter for speaking up. I told them that they raised her right and they should be so proud. I explained that their daughter was a hero and she saved Sarah’s life. I told them about Jacob. I told them about how several of his friends showed up to our house that night and they called the police. Sadly for my baby, it was too late.

After about 15 minutes, Sarah’s mom came out and said that Sarah wanted me to come back and see her. When I went back to her room, she saw me and immediately started crying. I asked her if I could hold her hand and she said yes, so I grabbed a chair and sat next to her. We just starting talking. She told me about how she missed Jacob, how she wanted to be with him and how she felt like everyone has forgotten about him. Like I have mentioned before in one of my prior posts: I don’t pretend to know everything about depression and suicide, but if I can be there for a parent or a child then I will. And that’s what I tried to do that night. Just be there.

I told Sarah that Jacob wouldn’t want her to go be with him. I explained that he’d be upset because he wanted everyone to live, to live for him. I reminded her that he really did come up with #LiveforJacob and that this momma bear would never let his memory die. I told her how when I would pick up Riah from school I would see about 3-5 kids at a time wearing “Jacob t-shirts” around the school. I explained to her that even though it may seem like people forget about those that have passed because their lives do have to go on, that they haven’t forgotten them at all. I told her that I wanted her to remember the pain she heard in my cry when Jacob was buried and that I knew for a fact her mom would cry like that too had she succeeded tonight. We cried together, we hugged and she promised me she would try the help she was going to get and that if she ever felt those feelings about Jacob again or needed to hear “Jacob” stories she could call me anytime.

I said my goodbyes and told her parents I would be there for anything they needed and then I left. As I walked to my car I broke down. I shed tears for that family, tears for my Jacob, and tears of frustration for this awful disease. I sat in my car for what seemed like forever, crying and then I drove home. I sat in the driveway and watched Jacob’s Memorial video, then I went inside and kissed my baby and went to bed.

I’m so thankful that Sarah was saved. I’m so thankful that her mom and friend got to her in time and I hope that God and Jacob will continue to watch over her. Every time I hear of another kid taking their life it makes me so sad. There is such a huge, hidden epidemic right now and I don’t understand the hush that society has regarding this in schools. If we talk about it, it will only bring awareness. These kids might actually understand that there are people out here who want to help. They may begin to feel like they aren’t alone or weird or freaks because they have these intense feelings. They just might be more open and confide in someone instead of keeping these overwhelming thoughts to themselves.

I don’t know. Maybe? Possibly?

What I do know, is that I will never stop spreading Jacob’s message. I will not stop raising awareness about teen depression and suicide. And I will most definitely not stop trying to help every parent I can from having to feel my pain and every child I can from taking their life.

I will not stop living for Jacob.

 #liveforjacob