Anger

May 21, 2018

Today my 15 year old daughter told me that she’s tired of faking that she’s ok. She has been grumpy and short with us this past week, so I asked her today, what her problem was. Why is she all smiles with her friends and her boyfriend but rude and mean with her family? What I heard and what she told me is not what I expected.

She told me she is depressed and she’s tired of faking that she is ok. You see, my fuse was short because of her attitude towards myself and Jack this past week so understandably, I snapped at her earlier today. “What is your deal? Why are you treating us so badly?” What came next shocked me and tore what was left of my heart to pieces.

My beautiful, although sometimes a brat, daughter has been through some horrible stuff in her life. Things no child should ever have to go through and she  fought to keep her life together, despite all of it these past couple of years. I’m so proud of her because of how tough she is and I often admire her strength to keep going when others would have likely crumbled. My Riah has come out on top and not let her past define her future, or so I thought.

Riah told me that she is extremely depressed, sad and unhappy. She said at school she has to fake it, that she’s ok, and pretend that everything is alright. So when she comes home she’s so tired of faking it and that her true feelings come out and that’s why she’s so short and grumpy with us. She tells me that she doesn’t want to hurt herself, but do I just believe her?

My world seems to be spiraling all around me and I feel on edge. You see, I got back into my faith 4 years ago and it really is what has helped me through some tough times. I don’t know if I could’ve gotten through the loss of Santino without it and I even got baptized again last year. Fast forward to today, I am now questioning everything. I’m so angry and I’m struggling to understand WHY?

 Why have so many bad things happened to my family in these past four years?! What did we do to bring on so much pain?! Why us?!

People have been able to rationalize faith with me and why things have happened in the past and it has helped me see it from the other side. It has helped me get through it, but I just don’t understand anymore! Why take my beautiful son, my first born, a piece of my heart?! Why cause him to go through so much pain daily for the past two years? Why does my daughter have to go through the same pain when she had just come to terms with what has happened in her past? Why?! 

Nobody will ever be able to make me understand why my son is gone or why now I’m stressed and worried I might lose my daughter too. I don’t know if this anger I feel in my heart will ever go away. I know the emptiness never will. I know the pain I feel never will.

I do still pray. I do still believe in my faith. I still know that there are reasons for everything and I still know when I finally go, I’ll see my beautiful Jacob and Santino there waiting for me. I do still believe that God loves me.

 I just want to know why?

Author: LiveforJacob

My name is Angela and I’m Jacob’s mom. My son Jacob took his own life after battling depression for 2 years on April 9th 2018. Jacob wanted people to know that teen depression is real and to get help if they were struggling. He wanted to raise awareness and help others. He wanted people to live....#LiveforJacob. My blog is to help parents and teens as best as I can by sharing my experiences, sharing my stories, and being here for anyone who needs to reach out to me with questions or if you just need to vent. Let’s all remember to live our lives to the fullest, accomplish our goals and as always LIVE.....LiveforJacob!!!! View all posts by LiveforJacob