Day 38

Day 38. I’m tired. I’m tired of being strong and putting on a brave face. Sometimes I think that because I don’t cry in front of anyone, people think I’m fine. Not fine as in, I’m ok that my son passed, but fine as in I’m handling the loss better than I am.

Today is the day I share with you, that I’m not fine. I’m not taking it better than it looks. I’m a mess. I cry A LOT. There is no one that I truly let see that part. I cry when I wake up, when Jack is already gone to work and Arabella is still asleep. I cry in the shower, where nobody can hear or see my pain. I cry when I think about what I should make the kids for dinner, because I know I won’t be cooking for Jacob. I cry throughout the day when Arabella is napping. I cry every night after Jack goes to sleep.

I wake up every night, several times even, because I wonder if Jacob is there in my room sitting in my chair. I hear noises all night in my room and I wonder if that’s him trying to get my attention. I have flashbacks while I’m laying there trying to fall asleep, of the cops opening my door with guns and lights pointing at us. Most nights I sit and stare at the door waiting for it to open.

I know that what I’m feeling when I lay down is PTSD and I know that it’s never going to go away. Every time I think about having to get something out of the garage I feel a heaviness in my chest and I have to fight back tears. I have locked the garage up and I don’t let people access it without my permission because I don’t want anyone touching his things. I know he wouldn’t want me to keep his things the way they are, but I can’t bring myself to go through them yet.

I often wonder what was going on in his head in his final moments. Did someone cause him to go from 0 to 100? Did someone really say something to trigger him? Why didn’t he just tell me? I hate knowing that he was bullied about his depression and that people made fun of him for his previous attempts. I wish that parents would teach their kids that their words hurt and that their actions have consequences.

I have a lot of guilt for not hearing his text that night because I feel in my heart that if I had, I could’ve stopped him. I could’ve gone downstairs and asked him why he was sad. I could’ve sat up all night with him and made sure he was ok. I could’ve taken him back to the hospital to get him more help. I truly feel in my heart and my gut that he didn’t want to do this. He didn’t mean to take his life and he didn’t mean to cause me the pain I will forever feel in my heart because he is gone. I know things happen for a reason and God has a plan, but if only I could’ve just heard that text.

I know there will forever be what if’s. I know that my pain will never go away. I know there’s nothing I can do but continue to try and live without him, continue to try my hardest to be strong and continue to live my life the way he would want me to. I need to be the best mother I can be and I need to continue to spread his message…..I will continue to #LiveforJacob.

Author: LiveforJacob

My name is Angela and I’m Jacob’s mom. My son Jacob took his own life after battling depression for 2 years on April 9th 2018. Jacob wanted people to know that teen depression is real and to get help if they were struggling. He wanted to raise awareness and help others. He wanted people to live....#LiveforJacob. My blog is to help parents and teens as best as I can by sharing my experiences, sharing my stories, and being here for anyone who needs to reach out to me with questions or if you just need to vent. Let’s all remember to live our lives to the fullest, accomplish our goals and as always LIVE.....LiveforJacob!!!! View all posts by LiveforJacob