April 9, 2018 will be a day that forever changed my life. That is the day I was awakened by police telling me that my son, my first born, was gone.
Jacob Anthony Sanchez was born on Friday morning August 3, 2001 at 6:53 am. He was a beautiful baby boy with tons of hair, beautiful black eyes, and a gorgeous smile. When he was born, he showed me the true meaning of what love really was. Jacob was the first boy to ever truly have my heart and he was the second boy to take a piece of it with him when he left. His baby brother Santino took a piece of it with him also when he passed in July of 2016. I won’t say that Santino’s death wasn’t hard on me, because it definitely was, but Jacob’s death is by far the worst pain I’ve ever felt in my 38 years of living. Jacob’s death left a hole in my heart that left me feeling hollow and numb. Left me wondering, why? Where do I go from here? No parent should ever have to feel the pain of losing a child. It’s a pain I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.
Jacob was 16 years and 8 months when he decided that the pain of living here on earth, day to day, was just too much. He had been suffering from depression and suicide ideations for about 2 years and he struggled every day to be what he called “normal”. He was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in December of 2017 and was put on a whole new regime of medications. He started to seem what we thought was his “normal”. He was finally hanging out with all of his friends. He was having fun. He was playing the guitar. He was using his skateboard again. He was smiling, laughing and interacting with us as a family. He stopped telling me that the noise in his head was too loud. I was starting to not fear I would wake up to a dead son. I started to get comfortable in my own home.
It turns out Jacob’s noises never stopped, he just was trying his hardest to live and cope with it. He listened to music every chance he got. He had about 10 subwoofer speakers in my garage that he would play at the max volume and shake my house. He always had earphones In his ears and I could even hear the words, it was so loud. I wish now so much that I would have understood that he was using the music to try and drown out the noises in his head. These noises weren’t the same kind of noises you and I hear. Jacob explained the noises to me as thoughts. Loud, loud thoughts that he couldn’t turn off. Some of these thoughts were to self harm. Some of these thoughts were anxiety that something bad was going to happen. And some of these thoughts were concerns for me, his sisters, his brother, his friends and yes even you. You, a stranger he never ever met. Thoughts like, is my mom going to get in a car accident on her way to work? Is something going to happen to my sister if she goes to that person’s house? Is that person crossing the street going to get hit by a car? Just random things like that made him worry and stress every second of the day.
Jacob was a very emotional kid. He always was. He worried even as a kid about things kids shouldn’t worry about. His counselor told us about a year ago that he took on everyone’s emotions and made them his own. He didn’t know where his emotions started and everyone else’s ended. I can only explain this as someone telling him, I’m having trouble in school. Or him hearing someone talk about a worry they are having. He took these emotional worries on and made them his own. Someone described the noises and emotion to me as hearing finger nails on a chalk board 24/7 in his head. That emotion finally weighed down on him until he just couldn’t take it anymore. He just wanted the noise and the pain to stop. So he ended his life.
That night was like any other night. He was playing fortnight with his friends. He was laughing and joking. Earlier in the day he was skating on his skateboard in the front yard. He was playing his guitar with several kids in the garage. He was smiling and happy. At 9:30 pm he came up to my room and asked if he could have chocolate cake from his brother’s birthday dinner. He said goodnight and went back to playing fortnight with his friends. All I know is that at 11:30 pm he told his friend he was going to bed and made several phone calls and snapchats to kids and his adults he trusted and then sometime around 12:45 am he was gone. At 1:15 am my life was shattered.
I do know that he made a video where he was crying and saying goodbye. I do know that he sent me a text message at 12:33 am saying “I love you mom.” I do know that he let a couple of friends know that he was going to do it. And I do know that some of his last words were….”you think depression and suicide is a joke? Take this as an example.” The very last text he sent out was…..#LiveforJacob.
I do know that my son wanted to send a message. My son wanted everyone to know that teen depression and suicidal ideations are real. He wanted people to get help and he wanted people to live. Live for him.
Jacob was anything but selfish and I believe that this was one of the ways that he proved that. He made the sacrifice so that others would not. Jacob also proved he was anything but selfish when he got his drivers permit. That day my 16 year old son checked organ donor on his own. He decided that if anything ever happened to him, he wanted to help save others and because of that selfless act he saved at least 22 lives with everything he donated. Not to mention the countless lives he continues to save by us spreading his message.
By spreading that message we hope to help parents that may be in denial, kids and teens who are struggling or anyone who just needs to talk. I won’t lie, when he first started going through this I too thought he was just acting out and wanting to cause problems. After talking to him, counselors, psychiatrists, and even friends, I learned this is real. It is an epidemic. And it could happen to you. We need to break the stigma and the “hush” that comes along with this.
Never in a million years would I ever have thought I would have to plan a funeral for my child. But it happened. I had to pick out his final outfit, his final resting place and make decisions I didn’t ever want to make. I had to kiss him one last time, hug him one last time and watch as he was lowered into the ground.
I just hope by sharing my story I help parents talk to their kids, open up the conversation about depression, feelings, bullying and even hearing things you may not want to hear. I just know if it saves one life, then I’ll know Jacob’s death wasn’t in vain.
I miss him every second of everyday and I will for the rest of my life. But if I can have any happiness in this awful pain I feel in my heart, it’s knowing the the noise stopped. The pain is no more, he is up there in heaven listening to the bass as loud as he wants and he is riding the skate ramp rails being as free as he can be.
Until I see him again, I will continue to spread his message. I will continue to help as many kids and parents as I can. I will #LiveforJacob
#LiveforJacob 
This is on so many different levels amazing. I know I appreciate you sharing this story, raising awareness and opening my eyes. It’s so real! I love you all.
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